Cultural Differences: Friendships… May 4
Cultural Differences: Friendships and Favor Networks
This Definitely Ain’t Kansas Anymore.
You want friendships to be part of your life in Mexico. Get to know the cultural differences before you live or retire in Mexico.
The U.S. and Canada
In the U.S. and Canada, favors are granted in a very one-to-one way. We tend to trade in like-kind favors. Money favors are different from food favors. Granting one’s time to do something is different from loaning tools. Personal possessions are taken seriously. Even a good friend can say “no” to a request, if the thing requested is something the friend feels too protective over to share.
Mexico
In Mexico, one of the first cultural differences you may notice is that everything you have must be shared with those close to you. In fact, one way people will establish their closeness to you is by requesting things from you. It’s an insult to refuse people’s requests because they are not only asking for the “thing” requested, they are trying to start or strengthen a favor relationship with you. If you refuse the favor you are refusing the relationship (which, in their minds equates to friendship).
I Get Maaaaaaad!
The cultural differences in favor relationships can be stressful, confusing, and fraught with danger for those of us from north of the border. When we don’t understand them, they tend to make us mad. “I’m not in the mood for a glass of coke right now. Why the heck can’t I just say, ‘No, thanks?’” We can easily stick our foot in our mouth and say or do something that really hurts someone’s feelings. Knowing the cultural differences when you live or retire in Mexico will keep your foot on the ground, where it belongs. Also, it will keep you from feeling angry at others. (Anger is a common and uncomfortable result of culture shock).
If we understand the value of favor networks and how they work, we can drop the judgment and get along.
The Big Picture
Mexicans, like many groups of people all over the world, live in an environment in which their relationships with others are their only insurance. These relationships meet economic, health, and nutritional needs in times of crisis.
An Example
If you and I have a favor relationship and I run out of money, I can ask you for it. You have to give it to me, or break the ties, and burn bridges. I don’t have to pay it back. I’ll just owe you for life.
Later on, if you find that you need something special that I can offer, such as an introduction to a pediatrician for your sick child at midnight, I have to pay for a taxi and take you to the pediatrician, who will see your child as a favor to me (this is where the network part comes in, because I will have to do some favor or other for the pediatrician some day.) If my relationship with the pediatrician is close, he/she might not even charge you. If my relationship is not so close, he/she will just see your child at midnight, but still charge you. If I am wrong about my favor relationship with the pediatrician, he/she won’t even answer the door; just pretend not to hear me knocking.
Favor Values
The hard part for me about these cultural differences is understanding the relative value of favors. Our neighbor always asks for money, and we have to loan it to her. Later, sometimes she’ll cook something extra and send it over to us. I’m always happy to see the food because it means I don’t have to cook, but sometimes I wonder if hotdog soup, with its questionable nutritional value, really is the same as 200 pesos. On the other hand, when my husband got in an accident and was in the hospital, she showed up at 8 am and was there to help us out for two days straight (yes, you need someone with you at the hospital here, but that is another story).
Now, 7 months, and 300 pesos later, I have to remember what she did for us. I’m practicing my generosity skills. She is operating in a favor system in which my 300 pesos are equal to whatever favors she gives me. As long as the flow of favors is active, we have a working favor relationship from which we can derive MUTUAL benefits.
Rules for Cultural Differences that Everyone Who Lives or Retires in Mexico Should Employ
RULES for dealing with the cultural differences in favor relationships:
- Rule #1: Never say “no” to anyone. They will feel very hurt and rejected. (Rule #1 is really hard for Americans and Canadians to follow, because it means that sometimes we have to say something that we define as a LIE. Americans and Canadians like to consider themselves completely honest. Rule #1 can cause a lot of internal conflict. When this conflict bothers me, I go straight to Rule #3 and keep my mouth shut.)
- Rule #2: If you really can’t do a favor, come up with an excuse, but don’t use too many.
- Rule #3: Listen a lot. That way you stay out of trouble and people think you are just like them. Plus, you learn the rules.
- Rule #4: If you are feeling put-out remember, “It’s just money,” and try to see the big picture. Accepting this cultural difference will give you a chance to learn to be generous and let go of some of your American materialism.
Michael Dickson Jul 26
Julia, this is an interesting website you have. A fan of yours, Mike Goll near Puerta Vallarta, plugged your book on his blog.
You and I have been in Mexico about the same length of time. I arrived in January 2000. I also speak Spanish. I also am married to a Mexican. Indeed, I have become a Mexican citizen, one of them!
However, I do not share your openness with the Mexican culture, nor your willingness to play along with it.
Life in Mexico has been very hard, at times quite perilous, for centuries, and that is what has developed the defensive culture which essentially says: Me first, you second, and not even that if I can get away with it.
Mexicans focus on their families almost entirely. That´s no secret. “Friends” are essentially backup. It is a very selfish society due to the nation´s past.
Don´t say no? It´s not polite? If someone invites me to lunch, and I cannot make it, I say no. They have to cope, poor babies. Saying yes would be a lie, and lying is rampant here, part of the culture, part of the national problem, part of the bad economy, part of the rudeness. It´s a huge problem, and I do not “join in.” I do not become part of the problem, nor would I advocate doing so which, alas, you do. Lying here is so automatic, few know why they do it. I don´t barge ahead of people in lines either.
In another section, you mention it is not “polite” to ask for your money if a loan is not repaid. Not polite? How convenient for the deadbeat. First off, if you loan money here, you can usually just kiss it goodbye. A brother-in-law asked us for $2,500 pesos to repair a collapsing roof on his house some years back. We loaned it to him. Five years later, having never mentioned the loan even once, he bought a red Mercedes. It was used, but still. Then his wife bought a new Chevrolet Corsa. Yes, two cars. Still no mention of the loan. I had a little chat with them, and not long after I got my money back due primarily to my sister-in-law´s extreme embarrassment at my bringing the topic to their attention. Did bro-in-law get pissed? Quite so. Did I care? Not a bit. He´s a bum.
I could go on. This country and culture have very big problems. Those who come here can do their little, bitty, bit to help move in the right direction by not accepting the lies and selfishness and irresponsibility. Do not lie. Do not roll over to deadbeats. Etc., Etc.
Understanding the cultural differences is important. Playing along to its many negative aspects is not a good thing. Do not lie. Pay your debts. And be kind to animals. Kindness, courtesy and honesty are the best routes the world over.
Julia Taylor Jul 26
Michael,
Thank you so much for your comment. I loved what you said. Most people who read my web site don’t understand it to the depth you do.
You go! Don’t lie and keep charging those loans.
I don’t lie either, though I have to go to rule number 3 a lot and keep quiet! I also ask for money back. It’s my job in our family now. I notice that the neighbors ask my husband for money now because they know I’ll charge them later, but they are also a lot better at paying us back thanks to my efforts. I just make sure I ask for the money on a one-on-one basis to reduce their embarrassment. (That’s my way of being kind, which as you say, is very important.) It’s working for us.
Here’s something to ponder. Think about the role money and earning power plays in these situations. In your case, if your brother-in-law decides to avoid you for the rest of your life you will be relieved of a leach. You will be better off financially due to the loss. But what if you were to get really sick and lose your ability to work? What if you lost your ability to earn money? There’s no unemployment system in Mexico, so how would you pay for things? Maybe your brother-in-law wouldn’t let you eat or sleep at his house, but is there someone who would? Where will you go during a hurricane or flood?
That’s why my husband keeps me polite. We are living hand to mouth while I’m home raising our son. If my husband were to break a leg or something we might need some help from others. The favor network in which we exist would keep us from starving.
This network has already helped us out. We had a huge windstorm a few weeks ago and a cement block was blown around our roof until it fell and crushed the kitchen roof and fell on our fridge, leaving a huge dent in it. It was about to start pouring rain and we had to cover the two-foot hole it had created in 5 minutes or less. While my husband got the ladder and charged up onto the roof, I ran for our neighbor. He came out and covered that hole with my husband, getting soaked in the process (and I’m sure you’ve noticed Mexicans believe they will get deathly ill the instant they get wet, so this was a big favor on his part). If either of us had insulted our neighbor by insisting on playing by my cultural rules from the U.S. he wouldn’t have been available.
If you are rich in Mexico you can afford to avoid changing your behavior to Mexican cultural rules when you live or retire in Mexico. Look at the Ajijic and San Miguel de Allende regions. If you are not rich, you have to play along a little more. Had you ever thought of it in economic terms?
Michael Dickson Jul 26
Good points. Anyone who is not financially beyond needing local help would do better abiding by the, uh, rules. I am not in that number, gracias a Dios.
Were I in the hospital, the particular brother-in-law would be the last face I would want to see. My wife´s sister is divorcing him at last.
Michael Dickson Jul 26
I just reread the first paragraph of your response. Most Gringos down here are indeed challenged with regard to the Mexican world, the culture. Most (retirees) live here for the rest of their lives unaware of the turbulent world around them. There are exceptions, but not many. Without speaking Spanish, it is virtually impossible, and few do speak Spanish. Without having Mexican kin, a questionable accomplishment, it´s also difficult. Perhaps they are classic cases of ignorance being bliss. I take it you are somewhat young. You have bitten off quite a hunk of challenge with this Mexican life. Good luck.
patrick coffey May 1
What is the money exchange ? How much will a house cost ?? If I am a retired Law enforcement officer,can I have a weapon ?? Are Americans well liked ?? What is the crime like ??
Julia Taylor May 2
Patrick,
Phew! What a lot of questions!
The exchange rate varies. There is a link to a currency converter at the bottom of this page: http://www.home-sweet-mexico.com/costofliving-retirement-Mexico.html
Housing costs vary depending on your lifestyle level. This is a topic that I cover in depth (and in a unique way that I created myself to help people figure out what kind of lifestyle they should shoot for in Mexico) in my book, Mexico: The Trick is Living Here. You can see an introduction to my coverage of cost of living and lifestyle level on that same page that has the link to the currency converter above.
I can’t tell you about weapons, but I doubt it. Since you are a retired law enforcement officer who worked in another country, it doesn’t seem like Mexico would “care.” You’d have to ask for information at your nearest Mexican consulate to see if there is even any chance of getting a permit. Mexico has some very strict gun enforcement laws. Honestly, I don’t think I’d want to own a weapon in Mexico. There is so much corruption in the law enforcement system here, someone could falsely accuse you of something and you could get into a lot of trouble. You could try it, but I’d say you should speak Spanish very well and be good friends with a Mexican lawyer before you try. To learn a little about law enforcement in Mexico you can read: http://www.home-sweet-mexico.com/safety.html/ and search on my site with the key word “police” for some blog entries that I have on the topic.
Are Americans well liked? Yes and no. Lots of people have lived in the U.S. and enjoyed their experiences. Others didn’t like it. Many are sick of our politics–especially lately, if you know what I mean. The Bush administration has done a lot that Mexicans don’t appreciate nor approve of. The “war” isn’t popular nor is the wall. My Italian friend told me that people treat her a lot better once she tells them that she is Italian, not American. She says that she sees a “love/hate” relationship with Americans in Mexico. Sometimes people treat me badly — but, just like my Mexican husband when we were in the U.S. — I can’t tell if the person is just having a bad day or “has a problem” with “my people.” I’m sure there are regional differences in attitudes toward Americans too. In general Mexicans have a much better impression of Canada than the U.S. When the subject of President Bush comes up, I notice that Mexicans visibly release tension once they learn that I don’t like his administration either. If you are a staunch supporter of everything American, you might not be so comfortable down here, but if you openly accept that the U.S. has some “faults” Mexicans are usually willing to forgive you for being American. Whatever you do, don’t tell Mexicans that the U.S. is better. Mexicans are tired of the problems in their country, but they are more tired of Americans being so superior.
Crime? That depends completely on where you live. Both the regional, and neighborhood come into play in determining that. You’ll have to pick an area you are interested in and ask around.
I hope that this answer helps you out and gives you something to go on for further research.